What an Ingrate?

I’m an ingrate I'm thinking to myself, there are people suffering all around the world, people who have every reason to be miserable and despite that still manage to make the best of a bad situation. Yet I am living in conditions that would make even rich people envious, and I'm here throwing myself a pity party.

Then it starts coming back to me, last year I attended an Islamic lecture where the man giving the lecture was saying things I didn’t particularly want to hear or even want to know.

You know what, ever since my life has not been the same!!!

It’s like I’ve been walking around with a hole in my chest, no one noticed or if they did never bothered to tell me and then some stranger points it out to me randomly and all of a sudden I'm freaking out big time.

Helloooooo I never freak out….. I hate freaking out..... I AM TOTALLY freaking out! (calm down and take a deep breath......hmmmmmmmmmm) What's happening here? I’m the one my friends and family come to when THEY are freaking out. By the time I cook them some amala, ewedu and fresh fish stew, they've poured out their hearts and not only will they be belleful i would have solved their problems as well.

You see, I strive on pressure and fixing things. I work in an environment where pressure, deadlines, targets, milestones, are all buzz words and I need them to be productive, I crave for it. In situations like that you have to be in control, you can’t allow feelings or emotions to hold you back.

Another thing is that I work in a man’s world, where I’m treated like an equal, a contemporary, I’m respected and feared because I know my stuff and I get the job done and I love it . Or should I say I thought I loved it, because of that man, God bless him, I've realised that I've been walking around with a big hole in my chest and now I don’t know what the hell I’m meant to do about it.

So you see it was on the 31st of December 2006 at this lecture, I realised that what should have beeen important to me, wasn’t and that I had gotten it all wrong, and worse still my mentor confirmed it. It was like I had been studying my whole life for a paper, only for me to find out on the day of the exam that I had been studying the wrong subject. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Chineke ooooooooooooo (just to inform you this is the main cause of my misery!!!)

I finally realised at some point in the lecture, that I had been striving to perfect being a man, rather that appreciating and celebrating my being a woman. Duhhhhhh!!! Even more worrying my female body was now craving for things I had no idea how to get… (1) God’s light in my life (2) a life partner (3) Kids!!!

Now I won't lie, I’m in no way prepared for these challenges as I skipped all the classes when it came to this….so I’m completely clueless, well maybe not completely, abeg you know what i meannnnn.

I’ve always known there is a God and I’ve always tried to follow all the rules, same with relationships. I’ve had some but whenever they became too time consuming, I kind of found a way to brush it of, and as for kids I just assumed they’ll happen somehow. (Pretty dumb for someone who is meant to be smart abi? Even me i'm cringing as i'm typing this!)

Anyway sha, the last straw was when my Daddy, who is my mentor (and I’m sure the girls can relate to the daddy business), my darling daddy who I’ve always done everything to please and all I’ve accomplished is so he can be proud of me. Looks at me with sadness and shakes his head and confirms what this man said and says “ ND baby you’ve gotten it all mixed up”. Yepaaaaaaaaa temi da!!! Now this is a major reason to FREAK OUTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!

Heavy breathing....as blogger attempts to calm down hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

OK there! It's out! I've totally lost the plot. (There i've admitted it are you happy now???????)

Sha now that i've admitted this to total strangers, (admitting you have a problem is meant to be the 1st step to the solution abi? - hmmmmm i don de become oyinbo ooooo) it somehow doesn't seem so scary oooooooo. Meaning I can either do something about it or I can continue to moan about not having the perfect life, all the time forgetting the many blessings i should be thankful for.

Hence, why i have decided to choose the former, and face my obstacles head on with help from all you brilliant people in blogsville and the hope that i'll learn and grow from it., maybe, just maybe i'll find this elusive thing/emotion called happiness/contentment.

So thanks to all those who read the 1st post, and i really appreciate your comments....but the PITY PARTY is now officially over. In the words of a new friend my glass is half full not half empty ( i really must remember that lol).

And on that note I welcome you all to my life!