Monday, 25 June 2007

Sorry for running out like that!

Hey guys, sorry I've been MIA I kinda ran away after the last post. I had so many things on my mind but couldn't seem to articulate myself in any manner or form. I know it seems lame but don't know what else to say. That's the honest truth.

However, for those of you who encouraged me to come out of my shell I hope I don't let you down.

So much has happened over the last couple of months. Work has been stressful but not complaining. I've been taking it easy and trying to live rather than just exist. Hence, I've taken up numerous fun activities, which I could never see myself making time for. But I seem to have somehow make time and I'm actually enjoying myself more and not just going through the motions as I was in the past.

I think I can confidently say to a certain extend that I'm beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin, and to an extend say that I'm at peace with myself, My God and My religion....which is more than I could have said months ago.

Without going into preacher mode, God can be so funny at times. It's always been a case of I get a call (from God that is) and I run away. Like a father with his child he backs off and gives me space. Then he nudges again, I know what is expected but yet I still run away. Him knowing that the time has not yet come when he would grab me by the hand and force me to listen or force his will he reminds me in various ways that he is there. Which is always soooooo comforting!!! Anyway, one day you wake up and u find urself safely in his embrace and doing his will, and you kinda think to yourself why have I been fighting this for so long......and with a sigh you willing submit! Hmmmmmmmmmmmm bliss!

Presently dealing with the fact that I am soooooooooooo materialistic and even though I couldn't see it clearly I was always seeking some kind of approval, be it from friends, family, work.... which was quite a realisation as I didn't see myself as someone with any issues or social complex. But it obviously wasn't the case. After careful evaluation deciding that taking every day as it comes and making what seems like tiny improvements every day, after a while tends to make quite an impact. Hence, the saying the longest journey starts with a single step.

Now I've been toying with the idea of decongesting my apartment forever. So I decided that that would be a good place to start. Starting with my clothes, I decided that rather than gathering dust in my wardrobe, someone could actually get so much joy from having them. So that's what I did and it was such a wonderful feeling, especially as my friends had a fun filled day having the 1st pick. I recommend to anyone that when depressed or sad try helping someone....honestly it makes u feel soooooo good. Not in an arrogant way but just my knowing u've managed to put a smile on someone's face, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Anyway, next were the shoes, which was slightly harder than the clothes but even that I conquered. The last step being giving away my bags........this is where I currently am and as much as I want to do it I find myself reminiscing as every bag has a story / history and it seems like saying goodbye to an old friend.

Oh well wish me luck and I'll keep u posted on what happens ;o)

Thursday, 29 March 2007

What an Ingrate?

I’m an ingrate I'm thinking to myself, there are people suffering all around the world, people who have every reason to be miserable and despite that still manage to make the best of a bad situation. Yet I am living in conditions that would make even rich people envious, and I'm here throwing myself a pity party.

Then it starts coming back to me, last year I attended an Islamic lecture where the man giving the lecture was saying things I didn’t particularly want to hear or even want to know.

You know what, ever since my life has not been the same!!!

It’s like I’ve been walking around with a hole in my chest, no one noticed or if they did never bothered to tell me and then some stranger points it out to me randomly and all of a sudden I'm freaking out big time.

Helloooooo I never freak out….. I hate freaking out..... I AM TOTALLY freaking out! (calm down and take a deep breath......hmmmmmmmmmm) What's happening here? I’m the one my friends and family come to when THEY are freaking out. By the time I cook them some amala, ewedu and fresh fish stew, they've poured out their hearts and not only will they be belleful i would have solved their problems as well.

You see, I strive on pressure and fixing things. I work in an environment where pressure, deadlines, targets, milestones, are all buzz words and I need them to be productive, I crave for it. In situations like that you have to be in control, you can’t allow feelings or emotions to hold you back.

Another thing is that I work in a man’s world, where I’m treated like an equal, a contemporary, I’m respected and feared because I know my stuff and I get the job done and I love it . Or should I say I thought I loved it, because of that man, God bless him, I've realised that I've been walking around with a big hole in my chest and now I don’t know what the hell I’m meant to do about it.

So you see it was on the 31st of December 2006 at this lecture, I realised that what should have beeen important to me, wasn’t and that I had gotten it all wrong, and worse still my mentor confirmed it. It was like I had been studying my whole life for a paper, only for me to find out on the day of the exam that I had been studying the wrong subject. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Chineke ooooooooooooo (just to inform you this is the main cause of my misery!!!)

I finally realised at some point in the lecture, that I had been striving to perfect being a man, rather that appreciating and celebrating my being a woman. Duhhhhhh!!! Even more worrying my female body was now craving for things I had no idea how to get… (1) God’s light in my life (2) a life partner (3) Kids!!!

Now I won't lie, I’m in no way prepared for these challenges as I skipped all the classes when it came to this….so I’m completely clueless, well maybe not completely, abeg you know what i meannnnn.

I’ve always known there is a God and I’ve always tried to follow all the rules, same with relationships. I’ve had some but whenever they became too time consuming, I kind of found a way to brush it of, and as for kids I just assumed they’ll happen somehow. (Pretty dumb for someone who is meant to be smart abi? Even me i'm cringing as i'm typing this!)

Anyway sha, the last straw was when my Daddy, who is my mentor (and I’m sure the girls can relate to the daddy business), my darling daddy who I’ve always done everything to please and all I’ve accomplished is so he can be proud of me. Looks at me with sadness and shakes his head and confirms what this man said and says “ ND baby you’ve gotten it all mixed up”. Yepaaaaaaaaa temi da!!! Now this is a major reason to FREAK OUTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!

Heavy blogger attempts to calm down hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

OK there! It's out! I've totally lost the plot. (There i've admitted it are you happy now???????)

Sha now that i've admitted this to total strangers, (admitting you have a problem is meant to be the 1st step to the solution abi? - hmmmmm i don de become oyinbo ooooo) it somehow doesn't seem so scary oooooooo. Meaning I can either do something about it or I can continue to moan about not having the perfect life, all the time forgetting the many blessings i should be thankful for.

Hence, why i have decided to choose the former, and face my obstacles head on with help from all you brilliant people in blogsville and the hope that i'll learn and grow from it., maybe, just maybe i'll find this elusive thing/emotion called happiness/contentment.

So thanks to all those who read the 1st post, and i really appreciate your comments....but the PITY PARTY is now officially over. In the words of a new friend my glass is half full not half empty ( i really must remember that lol).

And on that note I welcome you all to my life!

Wednesday, 28 March 2007

Why am I so miserable

I never thought I would even read a blog or want to actually keep one, talk less or needing it as a place to vent and ask all these questions buzzing in my mind and multiplying by the day.

I'm a very controlled person, everything from my emotions to behavioural patterns. There’s a reason or logic to my madness, so to speak.

I’m not the least spontaneous, and I hate surprises. I NEED to know everything or at least as much as I can. I tend to be a bully, but that’s fine as my friends love me (because they know I haven’t got a malicious bone in my body) and it helps in my line of work.

So where do I start? I woke up one morning lazily stretching on my Egyptian cotton covered king size bed, in my lovely spacious flat looking like the cat that got the cream. As I looked around my room I realised how far I had come, from my university days, where my room was the whole flat (and I’m not exaggerating). I slowly got out of bed, and made my way to the door taking in everything as I made my way into my dressing room which is huge.

The room was filled with everything you could think of (if you are a girl), Jeans folded by make and colour…bearing in mind that they are all blue but the washes are different, everything from Rock and Republic to one of my favourite pairs of jeans which I got in Primark hey shoot me, be behaving as if you don’t go to Primark! If it’s good enough for the WAGS and it fits hell it good enough for me.

I looked to my left, bags of all kinds of shapes and colour in cloth bags with a Polaroid of the bag stuck on it arranged according to whether it’s a day bag, a shopper, a baguette, evening name it, it was present. Then shoes all in boxes arranged like the bags…omo Carrie eat your heart out. Let me not even go to all the clothes, accessories, french lace, Ankara, damask. I’m sure you’ve realised I’m an accessory person.

Anyway as I looked at all this I sighed and walked out because recently I haven’t been myself at all. All my material stuff just wasn’t doing it for me anymore and that bugged the hell out of me. I’m a firm believer in Work hard and play hard…so shopping is a sport I excel in and love or should I just say generally spoiling myself.

However, it wasn’t giving me the buzz any longer, even my riverside apartment, with a posh postcode which made me feel like a queen in a palace wasn’t doing it for me anymore, I remember how proud my dad was when I got this place 5years ago (red flashing lights: men I’m in real trouble).

As I stood under the force of the hot almost scalding water coming from the power shower, I wondered why the hell I seemed so freaking miserable. I had everything anyone could dream of, a great fulfilling job (or so I thought), a wonderful home, the “I’m a bitch and I love it “ kick ass convertible, all the clothes, bags and shoes to last several lifetimes, perfect holidays, to great investments for when I retire and yet I was Miserable with a capital M.